Thursday, May 15, 2014

The DBA's Creed

Alright, it's time for another cheesy one, but here goes.  Feel free to modify it in the comments if you have better:



This is my database.  There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My database is my best friend.  It is my life.  I must master it as I master my life.
My database, without me, is useless.  Without my database, I am useless.
I must query my database well.  I must make queries respond faster than my customers who are trying to kill me.  I must tune the database before he shoots me. I will.
My database and I know what COUNT(*) means.  It's the JOIN's in the query, the temp tables on disk, or the IOPS used.  We know they should be sargable.  We will index properly...

My database is code, even as I, because it is my life.  Thus, I will learn it as a brother.  I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its changelogs, its plugins, its views and its triggers.
I will keep my buffer_cache filled and ready, even and my dirty writes are flushed.  We will become part of each other.  We will...

Before Codd, I swear this creed.  My database and I are the defenders of my company's data.  We are the masters of our queries. Backups are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until there are no slow queries and all is normalized, and cached.

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